A deeper kind of love
by XioTonks
Summary: Two months after she had quoted rule 12 back to him, 'never get involved with a coworker', she had met Kate. femmeslash, with thanks to Morgana-Alex for doing the wonderful beta-thing she did.
1. Chapter 1

AN: So. This has been rotting on my harddrive like forever. I posted it over at livejournal, got some really wonderful reviews for it and then my life turned upside down and I forgot posting it here. So, so, sorry. Especially I'm apologizing to the person who did the wonderful beta-thing for this fic, Morgana-Alex.

_I dedicate this to R&C_

_for finally making me fly_

And you make me talk  
And you make me feel  
And you make me show  
What I'm trying to conceal  
If I trust in you, would you let me down?  
Would you laugh at me, if I said I care for you?  
Could you feel the same way too?  
I wanna know

Oh yes, I wanna know

What's the name of the game…?

(ABBA – The Name Of The Game)

"_**M**__y condolences", Jenny said, not really looking into Kate's parent's eyes. No one could know that they shared the same pain. To the people around them she was just the new boss of Kate's old agency. To them she and Kate had never even met. Not once. _

_The man and woman in front of her nodded their thanks and she was free to go, careful to remain indifferent on the surface. She really needed to get out of here, her insides were in turmoil; ever since Director Morrow told her about the death of one of Gibbs' agents and moreover since she had known the name of that agent she had gone through the world in a trance. No one had noticed of course, not even Gibbs whom she had thought could still read her like a book. How much had changed in 6 years; she felt like she had started a new life, she had felt - alive and now she felt dead inside. _

_A few feet in front of her Abigail was walking alone with her jazz record. The girl had been one of Kate's closest friends, she might have been the closest. But she didn't know. How she longed to tell her, to tell her of what she and Kate had shared but she wouldn't. They hadn't been able to tell anyone while Kate was alive and she couldn't do it now. The deceit hurt, as if there was anything that could hurt her now. She first heard Jethro coming up behind her and then felt his hand at her waist. It was absurdly comforting to feel there still was someone who cared for her. Although he couldn't and wouldn't understand that she might need comfort. How cruel life could be. Two months after she had written Jethro that Dear John letter. Two months after she had quoted rule 12 back to him, '_never get involved with a coworker'_, she had met Kate._

"**M**ind if I sit with you?" Jenny looked up from her drink. Her eyes took in a young woman standing in front of her. Although her voice had sounded quite steady Jenny could sense how insecure she was.

"Suit yourself." Jenny knew she was being rude but she just couldn't help it. She had come here with the intention of getting drunk to keep herself from thinking of Jethro. What she certainly DIDN'T need was company. She didn't want to talk. She just wanted to drown herself in self-pity and alcohol. But a few moments later it became clear that her young companion had pretty much the same in her mind. Instead of trying to start a conversation with the already tipsy redhead beside her she ordered a drink (the strongest you have) and upon receiving the glass drank its contents in one before ordering another.

It was some time until one of them finally spoke. The drinks had begun to take hold and Jenny could feel herself become slightly dizzy.

"What's his name then", the woman drinking next to her asked in a slightly slurred voice.

"Jethro", Jenny answered, not really knowing why.

"And yours?" came the next question.

"Jenny" she muttered, eyes intensely fixed on the tabletop.

"Jenny and Jethro", the other woman said into her glass. "Kinda fits."

"Only the names."

Her companion nodded wordlessly and they both fell silent again. Jenny allowed herself to take in the appearance of her neighbor. She was pretty. Long brown hair, intelligent eyes, prominent chin. She turned her attention back to her drink.

Half an hour later Jenny said, "And yours?"

The woman looked up, "excuse me?"

"Your guy…"

"Ahh… not worth mentioning"

"But worth getting drunk"

"Yeah… No not really." They laughed. "Never mind"

"Right"

"Anyway. I'm Kate. Kate Todd. "

"Yeah. Jenny. "

"So I've heard. "

Jenny smiled. "Jenny Shepard", she said stretching out her hand for Kate Todd to shake it.

"Kate as in Katherine?"

"Nope" was the short reply as Kate shook her hand.

"But?"

"Kate as in Caitlin."

"Caitlin. I like that"

"I don't", Kate muttered.

"How comes?" Jenny wondered. The more she thought about it the more she found the name Caitlin suited her companion.

"It's not me. Caitlin. Sounds so… girly. I'm not. Girly that is. I'm more the down-to-earth kind of person."

Jenny shrugged, "Like getting drunk over a guy who isn't worth mentioning."

"Yeah like that", Kate shrugged and smiled. "Are you keen on embarrassing me?"

"No…" Jenny said quickly. "No, I'm sorry."

"Never mind."

With that silence settled upon them and their drinks once more. Each woman got lost again in her own thoughts. Jenny in her memories of Marseille and Paris and Serbia and wherever else Jethro and her had been undercover and Kate in whatever it was that she and that worthless guy had had in common.


	2. Chapter 2

_We can go dancing, we can go walking,  
as long as were together  
Listen to some music, maybe just talking,  
get to know you better  
'cause you know I've got  
So much that I wanna do,  
when I dream I'm alone with you  
Its magic  
You want me to leave it there,  
afraid of a love affair  
But I think you know  
That I can't let go  
(ABBA – Take a chance on me)_

**A**n hour later the bartender approached them. He said something and Kate drunkenly mumbled "Sure" and Jenny didn't care. All she cared for was losing herself in the traitorous bliss the alcohol had created in order to never think of what she had written in that damn letter.

"Jenny?" Kate had rudely poked her into the side.

"Hmm?"

"They are closing."

"I don't want to go." Jenny complained.

"Me neither."

"I don't want to stop drinking." Jenny complained again like a little girl.

"Me neither." Kate confirmed.

"I've Bourbon at home." Jenny stated.

"Lucky you."

"Come with me?" Jenny mumbled. That was perhaps the most absurd situation in which she had ever spoken these words.

"Yeah" Jenny knew that if Kate hadn't been as drunk as she was, she wouldn't have accepted this drinking offer in the middle of the night. But honestly she didn't really care. They had the bartender call a cab and soon enough Jenny's fingers, made clumsy by one too many drinks, had opened the front door to her family home and she led Kate into her living room.

As soon as they had entered the room Kate let herself fall onto the couch, too drunk to care for pleasantries like waiting for Jenny to invite her to sit. With a few long strides Jenny crossed the room, taking two glasses and a crystal bottle from the cabinet against the far wall. She poured a generous amount of its contents into both glasses. Not bothering to close the cabinet again, she brought drinks and bottle back to Kate. "Cheers", Jenny murmured and both women gulped their drinks down.

"Gods, I need to pee!" Kate suddenly said.

"I'll show you" Jenny replied.

Both women stood up at the same time, bumping into each other. Jenny held on to Kate to prevent her from falling. But since Kate was as unsteady on her feet as she was this movement sent both of them tumbling to the floor. Jenny felt Kate's very feminine body hit her own and involuntarily gasped. Kate had frozen, regarding Jenny's face with an unreadable expression. Maybe it was the fact that both of them were so drunk, maybe it was the memories of Jethro which were still so vivid in her mind, maybe it was the disappointment of both their failures in their last relationships or every relationship, but some unknown, overwhelming force drew them closer to each other and Jenny held her breath until their lips finally met. There was a little voice in her head asking her what she was doing, but alcohol had already made it no more than a whisper, the feeling of Kate's demanding lips against her own, and the hope that this might actually help her forget let her ignore it. Soon enough Kate deepened the kiss, Jenny suddenly found her hands under Kate's sweater and neither of them wasted any second thoughts on the fact that they were both women.

Only a few hours later Jenny awoke to the sound of her ringing cell. The first thing she noticed was the throbbing headache that threatened to blow her skull apart. For a second she wondered if she should just stay in bed, keep her eyes closed and ignore everything that anyone might want from her. But then she remembered that she had a meeting with director Morrow and the SecNav for lunch and opened her eyes with a groan. The bright sunlight made the throbbing in her skull even worse. Fuck. It was supposed to be still dark outside. She turned her head and jerked. What was she doing lying naked on the carpet in her living room and who … who the hell was that woman sleeping next to her? And why was she, too, nude? She sat up and looked around her, not believing her eyes as she did. Their cloths lay discarded around them. Congratulations, Jennifer! Only you would wake up in pile of cloths, next to a woman you don't even know. What had she done? She was straight, dammit. Hadn't she spent the last months crying over Jethro like a lovesick teenager? She noticed that her cell phone still kept on ringing. She stood up, not caring, if she woke her … lover? Fuck buddy? Whatever she was.

"Shepard?" she murmured groggily as she picked up the call.

"Agent Shepard, where the hell are you?" Director Morrow. Who else.

"I'm sorry, Director, I'm on my way."

"In 30 minutes you will be in the Navy Yard, Agent Shepard. 30 minutes. No more." Damn. That meant 5 minutes at best to get ready. 5 minutes for a meeting with the SecNav.

"Right."

"29 now" and she heard the phone disconnect.

She had, by no means, the time to take a shower. Neither had she time to find out with whom she had spent the night. She sighed. What should she do? Wake her up? She couldn't risk being held up by that woman trying to make conversation although she certainly wanted to have one. What for Christ's sake had happened here? She couldn't care right now. All she could care about was getting to the Navy Yard within the next… 28 minutes or Morrow would most likely kick her ass. She looked around and her eyes stopped at the desk in the next room. Determined, she strode over, took a sheet of paper and her Mont Blanc Meisterstück, which was only there because she rarely used it, and wrote,

_I needed to get to work immediately since I was late for a meeting. If you want to eat something help yourself to the fridge or have Naomi fix you something if she's here. If you leave before she arrives just pull the door shut behind you._

Jenny paused for a moment, again regarding the sleeping form of the young female in her living-room.

_I have to say I am totally oblivious to what happened last night – one thing I know is that I have a hang-over like hell. It'd be nice if you left your number or something_

_-Jennifer_

This was as good as she could do she decided. Putting the note next to their discarded clothes she went in search of something good enough to wear to face SecNav. On her way upstairs she got to look at the grandfather clock in the hall and almost jumped. She hadn't realized she had slept that late. She still wasn't dressed. 26 minutes to go.

Jen actually did make it in time. Exactly 25 minutes later she left her car in the parking lot. After all she was in the Navy Yard. That was what the Director had said, wasn't it? Jenny tried to make herself believe. The following lecture on being on time and not wanting to screw over her career as well as the (going surprisingly well) meeting with the SecNav forcefully pushed all her thoughts about the last night out of her mind. Only when she came back home well after 2200 that evening and she opened her front door did she remember leaving a complete stranger alone in her house. Nonetheless her heart missed a beat when she thought that she would probably find Kate's number in her… Kate? Was it Kate? The name of that woman? Hopefully she would find it in a few seconds. Why was she suddenly nervous? Without taking off her coat, only carelessly throwing down her purse onto the chest of drawers, she strode into the living room. Nothing. Not on the side table, not on the couch, not on the floor. Only her own note was still where she had left it, mocking her. Hastily she almost ran into her study but still no message from Kate. In desperate hope she called,

"Naomi!"

"Yes, Miss Shepard?" Naomi answered, coming down the stairs.

"Did you take something away from here? A note or something?" Please, please, please.

"No, I didn't."

"And was someone here, when you came?"

"No, No-one."

Jenny let herself fall into the chair behind her. That was it, she thought. She'd never see her again, never know what had happened. Why did it bother her so?

"Thank you, Naomi. You may go."

**T**he next few weeks weren't actually much different from the last. During daylight and well after she still buried herself in work, determined to improve at least her career even if her private life was already in pieces, and afterwards she still spent the little time she had left musing over her 'fucked up' life, the missed chances and failed romances, her only friends being bourbon and whiskey. The only considerable difference between now and then was that in the breaks from mourning over Jethro Kate's face would come to her mind. With the weeks a bit of her memory came back, not all of it and surely not the important bits about how she and Kate had come to lie on her living-room carpet but fragments. First she remembered being at a bar, then how they had met, exchanged only words without meaning, most of the time drinking peacefully alongside each other. Then as the weeks advanced, she, too, remembered bits of the night's continuation. Though these memories were only freeze-frames, short impressions from a life that needn't necessarily be her own but photographs ripped out of context. _Kate laughing over something during the cab ride to Jenny's town house. Herself fumbling with the keys at the front door while Kate stood closely behind her._ The last and most powerful image came to her during a video conference with her liaison officer of Mossad. Standing alone in MTAC, she waited for Ziva David to fill her in on the latest activities of an Al-Qaeda leader operating in Egypt. While talking to her, the young Israeli had unconsciously played with a pencil which she had involuntarily dropped as she had talked herself into rage facing the sheer impossibility of getting hold of that particular dirt bag. Ziva David had bent down to crawl under her desk and, on seeing the camera range automatically follow the young agent stretching to retrieve the pencil; she remembered the rocking body of a woman in her arms.

**S**he had gasped and luckily been able to avoid having Officer David notice her flushed face as she had felt the heat rush between her legs. When the younger woman had emerged from under her desk, fixed her clothing and continued her talk, Jenny had already been able to regain her composure. She was a spy after all. Feigning things was her job. But after that event she was determined to see Kate again. She wanted once more to meet the woman who had been able to do this to her, to be the only one besides Jethro (whose presence seemed small and weak compared to how heavily Kate had invaded her most private thoughts) to make the "ice queen" melt. In addition to that came that her "obsession" with Kate started to affect her sleep. Not so long ago she had begun to have dreams about women. Nameless, faceless women, doing raunchy stuff to each other, to her, to themselves. In fear of these dreams and the heat that possessed her when she woke up, she avoided sleep. Lack of sleep made her tired at work. She was angry and snappish, only bitching when someone tried to talk to her. She was lucky that she hadn't needed to be in the field for she was sure that she wouldn't have been able to remain undercover, any cover besides that of a woman who was slowly running herself to the ground because she had discovered that maybe she wasn't as straight as she had thought.

It wasn't long until Director Morrow summoned her into his office to have one of their dreaded talks about "the professional and political future". Jenny had been late again, having lost the battle with sleep in the early hours of the morning and consequently overslept. So she rushed first to her desk and, then upon finding the note from the Director's secretary, headed up the stairs to his office.

"Ahh… Special Agent Shepard", he said after Jenny had entered. "There are two things about which I'd like to talk with you" he begun. "Have a seat. This will take a while."

Jenny sat down and the Director continued.

"It has come to my attention that you have seem to be distracted lately. Is anything the matter, Special Agent Shepard?"

Jenny considered her answer for a second. "I have been having…troubles lately."

"What sort of troubles, Jennifer?"

"They are private matters, Director. I have been having problems coming to terms with something that happened a while ago."

"Jennifer, as your superior, I have to tell you that private matters can in no way affect the work of a federal agent. Especially in your position. As someone who has come to like you over the years, however, I want to know if there is any way in which I can help you come to terms with which has happened to you." He paused and Jenny had already opened her mouth to answer when the Director added, "This isn't still about Agent Gibbs, is it?"

Jenny gasped. "I never knew that you…"

"Knew? Jennifer, I'm the daddy of this kindergarten. I may not leave the office that often but even I come to know of some of the so called secrets, and your relationship or romance or whatever it was certainly wasn't a secret between those who worked with the both of you."

Swallowing, Jenny thought of something to answer. "No, this isn't still about Jethro. You see, I met someone and did something really stupid and now it seems that I have to face the consequences."

The director looked at her with wide eyes. "Oh my… You're not pregnant, are you?"

Jenny gave a bitter chuckle. "No, Director. Only madly in love. And unrequitedly it seems" she said weakly.

Morrow regarded her with sad eyes. "I'm very, very sorry to hear that, Jennifer."

"Thank you, Director" Jenny said and was surprised to find her eyes moistening. "I deeply appreciate your concern."

The Director smiled. "Maybe I do have just the right job for you. I had a call from Deputy Director David this morning." Jenny's attention instantly rose. Mossad always meant one of two things. Either trouble or interesting jobs. Hopefully it was the second. "He wants to send Ziva to Egypt. It seems as if we finally have a chance of getting these dirt-bags."

Jenny knew what was about to come but she wasn't sure if she liked it.

"This has been your op since the very start, Jennifer. I'd like to send you along to keep us informed about what the Israelis are up to. You know as well as I do how far to trust Mossad."

If she was in Egypt, there would be absolutely no chance of finding Kate again. If she wanted to forget Kate, going to Africa would be the best thing to do. If she wanted to push her career, she would have no chance but go. A successful mission in Africa against Al-Qaeda would undoubtedly make a very good impression on her C.V. She did want to become Director one day.

"Of course you can think about it for today. I need your answer by tomorrow lunchtime" Morrow invaded her thoughts. In a second's time Jenny had taken her decision.

"No! I mean, yes." On Morrow's confused look, she explained. "I just mean that I don't need the time. I'll go. It'll probably do me a hell of good."

Instantly the Director's smile broadened. "Glad to hear that, Jennifer."

When Jenny managed a half-smile the secretary's voice rang through the intercom. "Director, your wife is in the line. It is about dinner tonight."

Morrow said he would take the call and gestured Jenny to leave. She rose but she hadn't even reached the stairs when she was called back. Two minutes later she found herself sitting opposite the Director for the second time in an hour.

"You see, I am in a bit of dilemma. My wife and I have an invitation to dinner tonight at the white house. The thing is my wife is sick, food poisoning after having eaten seafood. As my one female senior agent I'd like you to accompany me as stand-in for my wife."

Who was she to decline dinner with the president?


	3. Chapter 3

And when we meet  
Which I'm sure we will  
All that was there  
Will be there still  
I'll let it pass  
And hold my tongue  
And you will think  
That I've moved on…  
(Dido-White Flag)

**M**orrow gave her the rest of the day off in order get "all the female stuff" done. So she hurriedly made an appointment with her hairdresser, searched through her wardrobe, decided on a black cocktail dress, got her hair done and just as she applied the last bit of make up her door bell rang, announcing that it was already time to get in the car in which the Director would be waiting for her. She answered the door and was greeted by the Director's uniformed driver, who escorted her to the black SUV waiting in her driveway. Other than the Director greeting her and complimenting on her looks, the drive through Washington was a silent one. The Director was apparently able to sense that Jenny was too nervous to make conversation.

First thing Jenny had to learn about dinner at the white house was that dinner was just another word for banquet. She had sat through several official dinners in the past but all of them had been small and quiet affairs. This one however was entirely different. On entering the dining room, she was greeted by the sight of almost everyone who was anyone in D.C. Senators, Directors of all important armed federal agencies, SecNav, Secretaries of Army and Air Force, business men representing organizations which were said to control US politics through huge donations during election campaigns. She was able to recognize at least two of them as directors of the Sons Of The Second Amendment, the voice of the arms industry, and the leader of Christian Commitment, fundamental up to fanatic 'Christians' supporting the far right of reigning government's party. Shivering, she realized that this was her first excursion into politics. While Jenny felt overwhelmed by all the political celebrities, Morrow didn't so much as blink. Silently she asked herself how many of these 'dinner parties' he had attended. The food simply was delicious. Although the president was known to prefer Papa Joe's spare ribs over culinary masterpieces the five courses were nothing short of mind blowing. Later, she wouldn't be able to remember everything she had eaten but she could certainly recall the stunning taste of duck in orange sauce, which was served as the main course, and the superb champagne crème brûlée served as dessert. She also remembered the person sitting to her right. Senator Bob Summers was the charming and handsome junior senator, whom she had until now only seen on TV. The Senator had come alone as he was, - he had pointed out to her after a few glasses and an hour of pleasant chatter -, neither married nor taken. She had only smiled, said nothing and instead thought of very soft, very beautiful, very female lips that were parted in a throaty moan. She no longer knew which of those pictures in her head had actually happened and which had been made up by her confused imagination.

Suddenly the air seemed too hot to her. She couldn't breathe. Excusing herself, she rose, intending to head for the ladies' room. Instead, upon passing the open door, she went out onto the balcony. The sky was clear, stars visible, and the cold night air better than aspirin against her threatening headache. She drew in a deep breath, letting the air flow into her lungs and suddenly burst into laughter when she realized that she was standing upon the White House's balcony. Next thing she knew, she would be going for a walk in the Rose Garden. The silence was shattered when the door was opened again behind her. "Excuse me, ma'am?" asked a voice that seemed vaguely familiar. A woman's voice that sounded like it was used to being obeyed. Jenny turned around and froze in her move. Petrified she stared into Caitlin Todd's face. Everything was coming back to her, overwhelming her, making her unable to move. Everything that happened months ago. Getting drunk over Jethro, inviting a just as drunk Kate to come home with her, having sex on her living room carpet.

"Kate", she gasped.

Kate seemed to be just as shocked as she was. "Special Agent Shepard", she said crisply. "I would prefer it if you came inside. We have highest security standards in place tonight. It would be kind of you to make our work as easy as possible."

Jenny was confused. Or maybe the champagne had just slowed her brain. Why was Kate being so formal? After driving Jenny nuts for months. She couldn't understand it.

"Our… our work?" she stuttered.

"Secret Service work", was the short clipped reply. Jenny took a step towards her.

"Kate"

The other woman took two steps backwards.

"W... why didn't you leave a note? I've been driving myself crazy ever since."

Kate remained silent. Pleading, Jenny laid her hand upon Kate's arm.

"Jenny, please", Kate protested weakly.

Just as Jenny was about to lean in, Director Morrow appeared at the threshold.

"Ah, Jennifer, here you are" he said, completely oblivious to what he had interrupted as Kate and Jenny jumped apart. Jenny smiled at her superior while Kate hastily backed away inside.

"Wasn't that Agent Todd?" Jenny could only nod. "I didn't know that you knew her"

"Humph", Jenny replied.

"Anyway. It's late and I think it is no longer rude to leave. Unless you want to stay of course."

Jenny shook her head. "No, the only thing I want is my bed."

**T**hey bade their good byes, Jenny not without receiving Bob Summer's numbers. She was pretty sure she wouldn't call if she could avoid it. After what seemed like a marathon of shaking hands and kissing cheeks, they finally made it to the garage. Finally peace and quiet, or so she thought.

5 minutes in to the ride through Washington Director Morrow said, "Bob Summers seemed very fond of you"

Jenny, who had been gazing out of the window, resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Yes, didn't he?" Although 'fond' wasn't exactly the word she'd use. Keen maybe, or perhaps even horny.

"Maybe…Maybe if you just started seeing someone else…" The urge was increasing.

"As I said I deeply appreciate your concern, Director, but I don't think that it would help if I just ignored it", she snapped. Exhaustion and hopelessness had brought her headache back.

"Yes, of course. I'm sorry, Jennifer." It was only now that Jenny turned her head to face him.

"You're welcome, Director. You really are." They fell silent for a few minutes. But obviously Morrow was determined to keep the conversation flowing.

"We had a call from Shelby this afternoon."

Jenny knew Shelby to be the Director's daughter, who was just about Jenny's age. His lesbian daughter for a fact, whom she had met once, years ago, when she was visiting her father's office.

"It seems that she and Mari…"

"I'm gay, Director." Crap. What was she doing? She most definitely would cut the champagne short in the future. Nonetheless the damage was done.

"I see", Morrow said slowly. What did he see? That she had just committed political suicide? Rest in peace, Jennifer Shepard. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

And then realization seemed to dawn on Morrow's face.

"You have discovered this only recently, haven't you?"

Her throat dry, she nodded.

"Now it makes all perfect sense to me."

Still Jenny remained silent. There was nothing to say for her.

"Listen to me, Jennifer. What we say will not, under any circumstances, leave this car." On seeing her nod, he continued, "I've always liked the thought that you might be my successor. You are a good field agent. One of the best to be precise. I do believe that you would be an even better Director." He paused for a moment. "But nonetheless you would have far more difficulties than I had. Or, I might say, any Director before me. NCIS still is a boy's club and you would be their first female leader, the first female Director of an armed federal agency in the whole United States." Jenny swallowed. She knew it. She knew it all and it scared the hell out of her. "But if there was even as much as the rumor of you being a lesbian floating around, you could certainly kiss the idea of becoming Director good bye."

Silence stretched between them.

"You… You saw her tonight, didn't you?"

Jenny nodded.

"May I ask who…"

"I'd rather not say, Director", she interrupted his question.

This was not only about her. She couldn't risk Kate's job as well. She would rather cut her arms off, rip her tongue out and Kill herself. Fortunately the driver pulled into her driveway and saved her from saying anything else. Morrow's good bye was far warmer than usual. He took her hands.

"Promise me you'll take care of yourself, Jennifer."

She nodded again, giving him a forced half-smile, and he released her hands.

"Good night. And sleep, Jennifer."

"Good night, Director." Thankful, she smiled. A genuine smile this time.

But once again sleep didn't come to her that night. Over and over again she replayed the scene on the balcony in her mind. She was shocked by how pained the expression on Kate's face was as she backed away from Jenny. It had almost been as if Jenny had scared her, as if she was afraid that Jenny might hurt her. When she started to think about it she came to the conclusion that, maybe, she had. Maybe – no, for sure – Kate had suffered as much as she had. Or maybe Kate just didn't want to put her career and her whole life at risk for something that been nothing but a fling, a drunken fuck on the living-room carpet. Or maybe it had just been nothing to her, and she hadn't suffered because for her, there had been nothing to suffer from, no sleepless nights because of fear of what she might dream, no flight into alcohol and working after hours. No troubled thoughts about being gay and coming out and whatever. If that was the case, then Jenny had to accept it. Jenny had to move on or at least leave Kate alone.

It was 0400 in the morning when she finally reached her decision. She wouldn't bother Kate in the future. Kate knew her name, where she lived and worked. If she felt the sudden urge to contact her and declare her undying love for Jenny, then she knew where to do so. But since Jenny had good reasons to doubt that she wasn't going to approach Kate again.

At 0500 she was determined to do something about her life. For a start, she needed to get a private life in order to regain control over it. Morrow's words rang in her ears. 'Maybe if you just started seeing someone else'. She had declined it and become bitchy but he did have a point. Why not try to distract herself a little. She knew, it wouldn't bring her true love but maybe it put some distance between her and Kate. Spontaneously she pulled back the covers and, without bothering to put on a dressing-gown, went downstairs. When she had come home she had dropped her purse onto the sideboard. She went to retrieve it now, opening and rummaging through it on the way into her study. Sitting down behind the heavy oak desk, she pulled out Bob Summers' crumpled business card. Turning it around to the back, she stared at the number of the senator's cell, handwritten in black ink. She gazed at the clock that was standing next to the telephone. 0530 hours. She guessed it was better to wait before calling him. Deciding that it made no sense to go back to bed, she stood up and headed for the shower.


	4. Chapter 4

_I can't see me lovin' nobody but you  
For all my life  
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue  
For all my life_

Me and you and you and me  
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be  
The only one for me is you, and you for me  
So happy together

_(The Turtles – Happy together)_

**W**hen she and senator Summers entered the fancy Restaurant, they were chatting happily about everything and nothing. Despite her former impression of him, when she had found him annoying and arrogant, Bob Summers revealed himself to be friendly, intelligent and an enjoyable companion. She was actually surprised to find out that he was one of the few men except NCIS' elderly, Scottish ME who were still gentlemen. In a true act of chivalry he pulled out her chair for her, waiting until she was seated before he himself sat down. She absolutely enjoyed being treated like this. She was Jenny again, not Special Agent Shepard, not Jethro's ex lover and especially not something like a closeted lesbian. She felt like a woman again. But nonetheless she dreaded what was sure to come after this date, or maybe after the second, after the third date. It was good to feel wanted again, to feel womanly and appreciated. But a male body somehow seemed not as attractive to her as it had before. Pushing this fear to the back of her head, she turned her attention to the menu. After she had ordered a meal that made her mouth water just because she had read the names printed on paper, she decided to make a quick retreat to the ladies' room. Excusing herself, she started to cross the L-shaped room. As she turned around the corner, her loud gasp caused several of the people surrounding her to look up from their plates. Chestnut hair cascading in soft curls down her back, and wearing a dark red dress that showed a considerable amount of cleavage, Kate was staring at her with wide eyes. Jenny forced herself to keep moving, not pausing in her walk, without giving Kate as much as another look. She did, however, steal a glance at Kate's companion. He was tall, muscular, his hair looking like he was a marine. A powerful wave of jealousy possessed her. Careful to remain a steady pace but straightening her back and applying a somewhat arrogant expression, she pushed open the wooden door. Slow but firm, she closed it behind her, not willing rage to take over. Fighting back tears that were somewhere between agony and anger, she leaned with her back against the door and let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. She had been right. Kate really didn't seem too bothered out there – that was before she had spotted Jenny. She gave out a bitter laugh at the irony of the situation. For months, she had not seen Kate, had had no idea of who she was or where to find her and then, when Jenny actually had sworn to somehow get over this strange fascination, they saw each other twice in one week. Kate really had to be under the impression of being stalked.

She felt the door handle push into the small of her back when someone tried to open the door. Not wanting anyone to think she was hiding in here, she quickly turned on the water and pretended to wash her hands. She willed herself not to look up as she heard the sound of sharp heels echo through the room. And suddenly she was dragged around and pushed up against the wall, a demanding mouth bruising her lips, wanting hands groping her flesh. Jenny stood paralyzed as Kate overwhelmed her.

"_This is so wrong",_

The brunette whispered and something inside Jenny switched, broke loose. Moaning in pain and pleasure when she felt Kate violently bite her lower lip, Jenny grasped Kate's neck and started to forcefully kiss her back in what quickly became a battle of lips, wills and finally tongues. Jenny was the one to first deepen the kiss when Kate couldn't suppress a moan on feeling Jenny's wandering fingers brush her nipples through the fabric of her dress.

"_What are you doing to me_?"

Kate moaned between heated kisses and Jenny suddenly became aware that they were still pretty much in the open, where anyone could run in on them any minute. Forcefully and without breaking the kiss, she guided Kate into the nearer of the two cubicles, where she locked the door in one fluid motion. The next second she was slammed around, gasping when Kate's hand made contact with her cheek.

"_Why are you doing this to me?"_

Kate nearly screamed, her voice ringing back from the walls as Jenny was slapped again, the pain adding to the dull ache between her legs. With the reflexes of the outstanding agent she was, she caught Kate's hand around the wrist and pushed her against one of the cubicle walls, pinning her hand above her head. "I wish I knew", she said quietly and wasn't surprised to find her own tears mirrored in Kate's eyes before the other woman's lips were on her own again, bringing her to life and killing her at the same time. Willingly she granted Kate's tongue entrance to her mouth, a powerful wave of desire streaming through her as both women moaned in unison into each other's mouths on feeling their tongues meet. Feeling Kate opening her pants, she simply guided the seeking fingers to the throbbing between her legs. A few moments later she cried out, the fingers taking her over the edge, blindly reaching out for Kate's shoulders to support her, her mouth frantically seeking for Kate's lips, tears raining down her face.

**W**hen she was back in her study, hours later, Jenny was more confused than ever. After having consumed her as powerfully as she had done, Kate had all but run out of the ladies' room, her quick and hasty retreat resembling nothing but a flight. And Jenny, only slowly coming down from her waves of ecstasy, hadn't trusted her legs far enough to follow her. When she finally had felt decent enough to leave the room, Kate had been nowhere to be seen, the table she had shared with the sailor deserted. Senator Summers had been eagerly awaiting her, too much a gentleman to come and check up on her although the first course had been already standing in front of him and Jenny had had to summon all her self control not to fidget or show in any way else that she had just experienced the best orgasm of her life. It had been two and a half hours until she finally had been able to flee to the solitude that was her home. And there she was now, still feeling a mixture of arousal and self-disgust about losing control at this place and time. Where was her famous self discipline that let her both be admired and feared by probies? It wasn't like her to let her guard down. Feeling drained both physically and emotionally, she stood up. The doorbell rang._ Jesus._ She considered not answering for a moment but knowing that it could be the call of duty, responsibility got the better of her. Out of habit she reached for her 9 mm Clark and opened the door just about an inch, jumping back when it was pushed into her face forcefully. Raising her hands to hold the intruder at gunpoint, she almost fainted when she felt Kate's green eyes penetrate her for the second time that night.

"We need to talk", Kate said through clenched teeth.

"No", Jenny whispered, still not lowering the gun.

"What?" Kate demanded aggressively.

"No", Jenny repeated more determinedly. "I can't live like that anymore, Kate. I just can't."

Suddenly the younger woman seemed lost to Jenny. And against all better judgment she wanted nothing but to take her into her arms and make her feel better. _No_, she scolded herself but put her gun back onto the sideboard. It was now or never.

"You come and go whenever you want, always leaving me in pieces afterwards. I can't take it, Kate." Jenny was surprised to hear her voice break. She hadn't realized she was on the edge of tears again. "I think it is better if you lea.." She started to say but Kate's strangled whisper made her stop.

"Me neither" Green gaze flooded with tears, Kate suddenly sunk to her knees.

Helplessly Jenny knew nothing to do but shut the still widely open front door and listen to Kate.

"I…I have been trying to suppress it, Jenny, to ignore it", she sobbed. "But there is nothing I can do. I… We can't. I've been taught since I was a child not to sin like this. But… What shall I do? They never told me. They never told me how to stop this." Jenny felt her heart break but the profiler instincts in her told her to let Kate continue, to not stop this outburst because Kate would feel better afterwards. "I… I can't go on like this, Jenny. It kills me." On seeing Kate's eyes meet hers, Jenny felt unable to hold back her own tears. "You have done something to me that kills me." Jenny bit her lip to keep herself from sobbing. "Or maybe you haven't. I don't know anymore." Jenny couldn't hold back any longer. Carefully she sank down to her knees and slid nearer, still fearing that she might be rejected.

"What I have done to you, Caitlin, I don't know. Nothing, I suppose, but falling in love with you."

When she held her arms open, Kate reluctantly came to her. Neither woman moved for what felt like hours, content to just cry into each other's arms.

"Could you say that again?" Kate mumbled into the material of Jenny's blouse, her voice husky from crying. Jenny had to swallow twice to not burst into tears all over again.

"I love you, Kate." 3 words. That simple. Kate said nothing but Jenny felt that the heaving of the other woman's lungs had evened out. She had stopped crying.

"You are right", Jenny finally said. "We do need to talk."

Kate raised her head and looked at her with an unreadable expression. Feeling helpless again, Jenny slowly loosened her grip on Kate and rose from the floor. Turning around. She held out her hand for Kate to follow her. Together they went into the living-room. Jenny felt Kate become slightly uneasy.

"You'd rather, we talked in the kitchen?"

Kate nodded tensely.

"Right", Jenny said when they had sat down. "Talk."

Despite their situation Kate smiled weakly. Neither of them said a word.

"You know, one of us should say something for this to qualify as talking", Jenny finally stated.

Nodding, Kate said, "fine. What now? How do we go on?"

"You know how I feel…" Now, that she was so close to Kate, the realization hit her hard that she couldn't live without her anymore. She saw how the same knowledge dawned in Kate's eyes and she could have wept with joy upon realizing that despite all her fighting and anger and desperation, Kate, too, was in love with her.

"I do", and after a moment she added, "and I know that, how it is now, there is no way for me to live."

Jenny nodded silently.

"But I have been brought up in Indiana. I am catholic. Practicing catholic. I was taught that it is a sin to even consider sleeping with someone of my own sex."

"And do you believe it?"

"No… Yes. I don't know. I think I always practiced something like the civil don't ask – don't tell. When I was confronted with this topic I choose to ignore it."

"It doesn't seem to work anymore…" Jenny observed

"No. It doesn't. May I ask… Have you… you know… ever been involved with a woman, like, romantically?" Insecurity clearly written on her face, Kate raised her gaze from the tabletop.

Jenny swallowed. "No. I haven't. Maybe once or twice I could have…but it just never occurred to me."

Kate nodded slowly. "Listen, Jenny. I do not even want to think about going home tonight and never seeing you again. I just can't stand the thought"

Jenny felt her own smile broaden until she was practically beaming.

"But I'm scared. There is no way I could tell my parents. No way I could tell my family or my friends. They just… It would kill them. And I can't bring that shame upon the family."

Again, neither said a word. Silently Jenny contemplated that she also had nobody she could tell. She had told the Director of course but that was different. Her father was dead and her way to one of the top agents had left her lonely. The only confidant she had ever had besides her father was now living somewhere in the city, probably loathing her since he got back from France with every right to do so. And besides, she knew that Morrow had been right. If word got out about her and Kate, all her dreams would be gone like ice cream in the heat of a hot Californian summer.

"Jenny", Kate gently whispered. "What are you thinking about?"

"That we really can't tell anyone about this. I have dreams. Childhood dreams. My whole life I've been working to become the Director of NCIS one day. And my chances seem to be rather good. It's… It's the only thing I can do to honor my father's memory." Tears in her eyes. Again. "You seem to be something like a tear switch inside me. I haven't cried this much for a decade." She smiled through her tears.

"Oh, Jenny" Kate whispered, her hand moving to cup Jenny's cheek but halting the last moment and instead settling for caressing the back of her hand.

Gently Jenny took Kate's hand in her own, lifting it to her lips and tenderly pressing a soft kiss onto it. Their eyes locked and for minutes they just stared into each other's eyes, Jenny losing herself once more inside light green.

Outside in the hall the old grandfather clock rang two times.

"Is it really two in the morning?" Jenny asked amazed. She could have sworn it was about midnight.

"It seems so", Kate smiled.

"I think we should go to bed…" Jenny said and, on seeing Kate's raised eyebrows, she added, "and sleep. I will prepare you the guest room."

Kate opened her mouth as if to say something but closed it without a word. "Sure", she said after a few seconds and smiled.

After having handed Kate something to sleep in and showed her to the spare bedroom, Jenny, too, changed and slipped under the covers. She couldn't quite believe that this evening had actually happened. For months the only thing she had known was the torture of helplessness and then suddenly everything had happened at once.

She shuddered at remembering the fierce anger of Kate's kisses, the way she had moaned Jenny's name, the feeling of Kate's fingers moving inside her. Rolling onto her back, she sighed. Her bed felt cold all of sudden. Out in the hall creaked the wooden floor. Maybe Kate needed to use the toilet. She wished Kate had asked to sleep in Jenny's room, aching for the warmth of the other woman's body next to her. She pulled the covers tighter around herself. The low squeal of the door being opened made her hand fly to her gun on the nightstand. Embarrassed she relaxed when she heard Kate whisper her name into the darkness of the bedroom. Instead she reached to turn on the lights and sat up.

"What's wrong?" she asked, voice edged with worry.

"I can't sleep…" Kate said shyly. "Would you… Could I…"

"Come here" Jenny smiled and held open the covers for Kate. Reluctantly Kate lay down next to her, snuggling into Jenny when she saw the redhead's reassuring smile.

Within minutes, both of them were soundly asleep.


End file.
